Feng Shui

May fifth, twenty-nineteen, I’m still suffering¹ from low-motivation and seemingly depression. Last night my cousin Aisling flew here because of my text full of self-abashment, saying that I wanted to quit and drop out. I’m really grateful to her concern. She’s unconditionally nice and patient to me, always standing by my side. She told me that maybe it was the fengshui of this apartment to blame, as it’s so small, shabby and gloomy. I almost laughed out when she said this.

I don’t know whether this room should take responsibility for my awful life. But I suppose she’s right about it that I should cut off blaming myself for the whole thing.

Frankly speaking, it did come to my mind that this room seems like a prison cell, confining me, my soul and my long gone ambition. For the sake of privacy, I always keep the only curtain closed, which makes the room gloomy when the sun isn’t that high. It also stops a peak out the window at night when I stay up late, sometimes to three or even four o’clock. If I did so on a whim, I’d see complete darkness except the dim light emitted from road lamps. It makes so much sense. Erlangen is a small town, with only one-hundred thousand citizens. People living here live a simple and healthy life, not to mention many of them are seniors. Some family across my apartment keeps a dog that sometimes barks at night. This brings up my memory of country life at grandparents’ place. When I was little, I’m usually scared by shadows of moving branches and barks from distance. I was a child full of bizarre thoughts, fancying monsters and ghosts haunting around. Stains on the wall could be a story illustration. At most time they were faces (of human beings or non-human creatures) to me and no need of any text I could make up a short story about them.

Maybe my excessive fantasy also contributes to my deviation from reality. I can’t remember since when I’ve been easily immersing myself in those unreal scenes. Though I claim to be a non-believer of zodiac or tarot stuff, sometimes I can’t help thinking it’s the way a Pisces born.

It seems I’m talking off-topic since the title is fengshui instead of my undue fantasy so I’d like to stop here. As for my thoughts about the future, I really have no idea. I used to think my life has a wide range of possibilities, and suddenly, because of all my stupid move, they collapse to a small pit. But Aisling told me not to give up and not to close those seemingly-closed door on impulse.

Choose wisely and stay strong.

I just wept when she hugged me and whispered it.